Self Love: Have It? 3 Steps To Get It.
I replied, “You just know.”
The moment I realized I loved myself was at a party with some of my girlfriends. The ladies at the party were part of my addiction-support group. We’d seen each other through all kinds of addictions like drugs, alcohol, relationships, food, you name it. For years, we’d been on a serious journey seeking self-love. Towards the end of the party, the hostess brought out a platter covered with fluffy pink cupcakes. I grabbed one, took a bite, and offered the rest to my friend. My girlfriends stopped and stared in shock.
How the hell can you possibly take only one bite and not want more!,” one said.
Without hesitation, I replied, “I love myself too much to eat the whole thing.” There, I realized my self-love.
I didn’t love myself overnight. I’d spent years avoiding my true feelings and the issues I’d acquired throughout my life. Through a serious dedication to change, I resurrected my relationship with myself.
How did I get here? The answer is simple. I showed up! One day at a time I showed up for my inner journey. Each day, I added new tools, meditated longer, prayed more and changed my mind. And, I continue showing up everyday. I continuously add new layers of love to the miraculous relationship with the woman that is me.
If you’re ready to put down that cupcake and love yourself, you can start showing up today. The first step is to be willing. With the slightest willingness, you will receive guidance to move forward. Begin now, by saying out loud, I am willing to love myself, today. For the next thirty days, recite this affirmation. Post it on your wall, your mirror and by your desk. Put it everywhere. Make the daily commitment to be willing to love yourself. By simply setting this intention, you are one step closer to self-love.
Second, get clear about how you’ve been un-loving towards yourself. Are you possibly overeating, drinking too much, staying in a bad relationship, reciting negative mantras in your head? Make a list of all the ways you’ve mistreated yourself. Carefully, look at the list and ask, Would I treat someone I love that way? Each time you act in a self-loathing way ask yourself that question. By calling yourself out, you witness your negative behavior and stop identifying with it. In the instant that you choose love over negativity, you create a shift and get one step closer to self-love.
Lastly, simply just hang with yourself. Once a day, spend ten minutes quiet and alone. Turn off your phone, stop tweeting and start chilling. Listen to your thoughts and check in with your body. Simply be aware of what your inner guide (~ing) is saying to you. When I practice this exercise, I hear awesome stuff. For instance, today I heard my ~ing say, “Go lie down for an hour and rest. You need it!” Had I not stopped to take the time to check in with my ~ing, I’d have never heard what I truly needed. Slow down and listen to the voice of your inner guide. This will get you one more step closer to self-love.
These three steps are a great start to any self-love journey. Be willing to affirm your desire and slow down enough to listen to the loving voice of your inner guide. One day at a time, you’ll get closer to the most rockin’ relationship with yourself.
Anyone who knows me has seen the ring I wear on my left hand. It is the ILoveMe ring which acts as a gentle reminder to love myself and others. My dear friend Arielle Feirman designed this ring and named it with me during a meditation. Check it out: Bewellwitharielle.com
Gabrielle is the New York Times best-selling author of May Cause Miracles. She appears regularly as an expert on NBC’s Today Show, has been featured on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday as a next-generation thought leader, and was named “a new role model” by the New York Times. She is also the author of the books Add More ~ing to Your Life, Spirit Junkie and the forthcoming book Miracles Now (published in April 2014). Gabrielle is also the founder HerFuture.com, a social networking site for women to inspire, empower and connect.
Instant Mood Boosters for the Winter Blues
So, it’s cold and wintery here in the big city. And, I know this time of year can be tough- the holidays are over, bills coming in, shorter days…I get it. But, I actually love this time of year because it means wearing comfy slippers and cuddling to keep warm! Here are 3 more instant mood boosters to kick the winter blues to the curb…
Tip #1 : Get Moving & Have Some Fun
When we take ourselves too seriously, we can end up in a rut. In the winter, it’s easier to drift into depression, because it’s colder and days are shorter. But, there’s so many fun things that come with cold, ice, and snow, so take advantage of them! Build a fire, and read firside stories, or look at family photos. Go ice skating, even if you’ve never done it! Wear padding and fall with the best of ‘em. Use the snow for a snowball packing party, making snow angels.
Often when I find myself moving toward a funk, I do something super-silly to get myself out of it. So, jump up and down, sing loud in the shower, do a tumble salt! Just make it a point to do something fun and take advantage of the season, instead of drowning in darkness!
Exercise also is a great remedy. It releases endorphins, lifting our mood and instantly making us feel better. Not to mention that done regularly, exercise increases our strength, self confidence and physical and mental health.
Tip #2: Make Your Home a Little Brighter
If the darkness is bringing you down, simply add more light to your space by changing your lightbulbs! Go green by switching them out with energy-efficient ones, and you’ll feel better just by turning on a brighter light. Make sure that your blinds are letting natural light in, and, if the walls are covered in old wallpaper or paint that just isn’t your style, this is a great time to tear it down and put on a fresh coat of a nice light-reflecting color! You can also simply brighten up your space by adding accessories that sparkle. Winter is the perfect time of year for using “crystal” accessories because they add an “ice” effect. You can even replace a light fixture, add pillows that pop, picture frames that glitter.
Tip #3: Warm Water with Lemon Works Wonders
If you’re feeling like you’ve added some pounds over the holidays, you are not alone!! The average American gains 7-12 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years alone. So, flush out the toxins with a cleansing drink!! I love this, because it’s not about deprivation it’s about adding something in! Just by adding warm water with lemon to your daily intake (8-8oz. glasses) you can easily lose 5 pounds of trapped bloat and flush out fat and toxins in just couple of weeks!
Modern Day Meditation: Finding Peace Anywhere
The other day I was reading Metro and came across an interview with a “meditation consultant.” Is this really a new line of work? What do meditation consultants do? Sit with you and breathe away stress? Where do I apply?
Then I read on. The interviewee, Andy Puddicombe, is a former monk who studied in monastaries all over India, Thailand, Nepal, Australia, and Russia for ten years. Even if I shaved my head to look like him, I wouldn’t attract his clientele—I’d only kill my love life.
Last year, Andy started a non-denominational initiative called Headspace in London, which introduces frenetic professionals to the benefits of meditation. He hosts events in cool spaces, conducts one-on-one private sessions, and even meditates with his clients online and via mobile phone. Since Andy and his partner launched Headspace, the London press has been all over the story. He’s been featured in Vogue, Time Out and other popular publications. He also just signed a book deal and has a TV show in development.
Hmm… maybe I could pull off a sexy bald ’do after all?
I had to meet Andy and talk more about his modern day meditation project.
Andy and I scheduled a call over Skype. Even through the small video screen, he casted a spell—he was jovial, warm, and extra smiley. The bald look really works for him. He’s not technically a monk anymore, and the position of “lady friend” is already filled.
We talked about my experience with meditation: which usually translates into feeling like I smoked something illegal. I explained how after I meditate, I feel present and grounded, glad to have my anxiety and fears vanish for at least a good day or so, before my next sitting.
Andy explains to me that scientific research suggests that after fifteen minutes of stillness, blood flow increases in the area of your brain associated with positive emotions.
The challenge for me has always been getting my butt to meditation classes at least 2–3 times a week. However, Andy promises that once you take his workshop, you will have the tools to practice on your own. He breaks down his lessons into three parts:
1. Approach: Andy offers a philosophical explanation on the importance of having the right attitude in life. For example, meditation is no different to life. To want things to be different from how they are now is to resist reality. When we resist reality we struggle with life. It’s a move away from acceptance. This applies to meditation because if you sit there trying to actually stop your thoughts and emotions, you move away from acceptance and, ultimately, away from peace of mind.
It’s a common mistake to make though, and explains why so many people get frustrated or anxious when learning meditation. So meditation is less about ‘changing’ the mind and more about ‘understanding’ the mind. When meditation is approached in this way, the potential for benefit is huge!
2. The Act of Meditation: Andy recommends sitting still for 10–15 minutes in the morning, so that meditating doesn’t become just another stressful item on your day’s to-do list.
3. Integration: You can integrate the practice into your daily life if you consider that meditation is about compassion and awareness. On the subway, use your commute as an opportunity to be mindful and present. Andy say’s that you have a choice: You can either sit there wishing you were somewhere else, or you can use a meditation technique to cultivate awareness and empathy for your fellow commuters. (Well, maybe not the flashers and disheveled, smelly teenage hipsters—best not to be too aware of some things.)
We both agreed that meditation would become the new yoga and sweep through the West. I asked him to teach me his secrets, so that I could become his disciple and start my own meditation business one day. He explained that although he has thought about going that route, right now he doesn’t feel comfortable claiming guru status and training other teachers.
Rats. I guess I’ll have to train with the Bhuddas directly. I wonder if any of them can be interviewed by Skype? Let me do some research and get back to you on that. Until then, catch ya on the subway.
Top Photo: Flickr
How To ACTually Make Your Desires Reality
So we’re nearly one month into 2014…how are you doing on those resolutions? Bottom line is about 90% of all resolutions fail, so perhaps it’s time to try something new this year. “Act as if” your goal has already happened instead! Instead of saying what you “will” do in 2014 – you will switch careers, you will lose weight, you will fall in love – visualize and EMBODY what you “will” look, feel and act like when these dreams come true! How will you carry yourself when you are healthier and love your body? How will you feel when you’re blissfully in love? What will you need to do to own to do this new career?
This week, I bought hot pink PurposeGirl sharpie markers to do book signings – acting as if my book is already published and I’m on tour! Years ago, I was still in corporate marketing, but I set on path to my dreams of being in the media by buying a fabulous dress for the Emmy’s! I’m not yet up for an Emmy, but, I’m on my way with my new Dr. Oz work and on my regular work on Sirius Radio. Buying that dress set me in motion toward my dream of inspiring millions! And this has helped my friends and clients too! One client said she was working toward a career in museums and found herself connected to top folks in the industry. After giving her this tip, one of my friends introduced herself as a personal shopper (instead of a lawyer) at a networking event and the next thing you know, she has new business cards.
Watch this week’s PurposeFull message to ACTUALIZE YOUR DESIRES!
It may sound crazy, but acting as if the dream has already happened begins to create the path to actualizing our dreams because you are creating neural pathways that begin to believe that the dream has already occurred. Acting as if sets you in motion to greater and greater action! Plus, by acting as if, you tell the Universe that you’re ready for the next step.
So, how can you “act as if” to make your dreams come true? Watch this week’s PurposeFULL message for more tips and WHY “acting as if” is SO important!
I’m ready for a big 2014 – and acting as if it’s already happened! First step for me – actualize the luxury vacation I need! I’m off to Turks & Caicos tomorrow!! While I’m away, I hope you live purposefully, love yourself and love life! Here’s to YOUR success!
Happy actualizing, my friend!
Carin Rockind (aka “PurposeGirl”) is the Woman’s Positive Psychologist. She is a life and career coach, motivational speaker and author. Her philosophy is simple: we each have a unique purpose on earth and we’d be happier if we were living it! As one of only 250 people in the world with her masters degree in Positive Psychology, the scientific study of happiness from Penn, her work is grounded in science yet fueled by love, spirit and lots of crazy life experiences. For more, check out www.purposegirl.com
Ringing In The New Year: 5 Reasons To Raise Your Glass
Here’s a novel thought… we choose to be happy… Know that? So why are you still lazy, sick, selfish and unhappy? The US alone ranks well over 100 on the scale of global happiness. Choosing to be happy can lead to serenity, bliss and joy. Aiding in chemical-free treatment of depression and so many other free and easy benefits. So stop complaining so much, ditch the prozac, stop being such a victim, or an ass, stop the whining. It’s obnoxious. Start making change. Create change within and reap all of the benefits of being happy!
Let’s toast to the douchebags! Well.. wait….. Sorry that’s Kanye’s line.. still hilarious in itself… Let’s toast to you NOT being a douche this year and being GRATEFUL + HUMBLE and HAPPY! Word up.
Shall we reflect on all of the wonderful things to toast to?:
1- Your Health!: A priceless gem that most of us take for granted, until something unfortunately arises. But how “healthy” are you?? Take this simple, yet witty quiz. You have one precious mind, body and soul. Treat it, respect it, feed it right, don’t compromise!
2- Your Loving Friends and Family: Be grateful, thankful and happy they are in your life. Even if things are not always perfect (admittedly, they definitely aren’t in my world) you must learn that family is much like a bunch of apples… sweet and tart at the same time.. a few bruises…but nothing that you can’t turn into a sweet apple pie. So be grateful. Mom loves you. Read between the nagging, that’s love.
3- The Job that you Possess: Or don’t. Be grateful that you have a job in your hands… with the unemployment rate still at approx 8.6% that means that the other 91.4% of you should be grateful.
4-Somebody does LOVE you: Having love in your life is nothing short of amazing. (Take that from a girl who’s been single for almost 4 years.) I love nothing more than the feeling of a big hug, a smooch or a cuddle. Spooning anyone? The feeling from human touch is priceless. Isn’t that why we love massages/reiki? Shoot, I mean I do.. So give away some free hugs. Go tell someone you love them ______THIS_______ much. Get old skool and draft a card, a letter or call! Texting, BBM, Email, Facebook, DM, etc etc is all great, but social media ain’t got nuthin’ on a good BIG, warm hug. Don’t lose your clutch and be so digital. Who wants to date their BlackBerry? Not I.
5- The Good Life: I always say that life is full of great taste. And in this country? That’s nothing short of the truth. I have been to some of the poorest nations on this globe and they were so incredibly happy, with absolutely NOTHING. Imagine that? Kids in Indonesia played with sticks and old tires… plastic bottles and wore the same dirty clothes daily. And yet they were SO happy. So while we throw away tons and tons of food daily, pout about mayonnaise on our sandwich and how I wanted the French vanilla creamer in my coffee, not half and half… here’s a thought.. Shut the eff-up. Suck it up and change your thought process. Living the good life also means having a deep soul. It means enriching your life and others through happiness, comfort and joy.
Breathe Your Way Through Holiday Stress
With that long a holiday shopping list, I bet you’re wondering how you can ever fit in a few minutes of meditation. Amazingly, you can actually meditate with your eyes open and it will have the same benefits as an eyes closed meditation. And it’s as simple as breathing.
Try this mindful exercise the next time you’re standing in the line at the cash register, sitting in a holiday traffic jam, or chopping a zillion carrots in the kitchen:
- Breathe out all the way
- Now just let the in-breath flow in naturally.
- Breathe out all the way again; let the in-breath flow in naturally.
- Keep repeating this: actively breathing out, effortlessly breathing in.
- As you breathe in this way, pay attention to the movement of the breath in the body: the abdomen sinking in as you breathe out, the chest gently rising with the in-breath, the feel of the air as it passes through your nose.
- Notice how a sense of calm begins to take the edges off the rushed, harried, perhaps tense feeling you started with.
- Now allow a gentle smile across your face as you thank the cashier, or the driver who gave you the parking space, or the farmer who grew those carrots.
Top Photo: Flickr
Finding Peace Within The Storm
“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm.”
I love this quote; it has meant so much in my life. A simple American Indian proverb that I have posted on my refrigerator serves as a way to keep me grounded during turbulent times. After all, life can not be free from turmoil at times. We are often tested, thrown curve balls – no one is without ups and downs. We are all different – our experiences, our journeys; yet we are all the same.
In a class I was teaching, I asked the ladies what the most common cause of stress is for each of them. One woman responded, “Stress comes from other people. People cause me stress.” She then went on to list the various things people have done that have caused her stress. All valid, all beyond her control simply because we cannot control what other people do. Another woman said “finances”, another “time”, another “expectations”, and the list went on.
Stress is hard to define, even the dictionary has more than 10 definitions for it. Yet, often we let ‘stress’ define us.
Case in point, what can you do if you have a child who is bulimic, a father who is an addict, a friend who doesn’t seem to care about you, a boss who keeps piling work on? Do you disown your family and friends, quit your job, and move to the nearest bubble? Hmmm…maybe you’ve felt like it, but obviously unrealistic, right?
Ok, so maybe the scenarios above are a little extreme. Let’s try this one: your husband lost his job, you are 2 months late on all your bills, your kids are in a million activities, and you have volunteered for one too many PTA fundraisers. You’re not going to move to an island and seclude yourself from the realities of life, right?
So, how does one stay inspired and calm during the roller coaster we call life? How can we just be at ‘peace within the storm’ as the American Indian proverb suggests?
Stillness must be practiced, regularly just like brushing our teeth. It is hard to quiet the mind with all that is flowing through it from past worries, future concerns, daily to-do lists. Find a space to just “be”, perhaps try sitting under a tree in your yard, kneeling by the window, sitting on your front step, soaking in a warm tub. There are no rules – find what feels peaceful to you. And remember, stillness includes listening. We may not know the answers, but sometimes when we listen, we hear the next step.
Be Open and Embrace
I’ve learned you have to detach yourself from the problems and embrace them in the moment as an integral part of your life. We usually think about the “lesson” after the problem has been resolved or enough time has passed to come to terms with it. Be open to the lesson. Show gratitude, and give yourself space for tears, venting, and acceptance. Be gentle with yourself and others.
Detach from letting the situation define you, connect to the world around you. For example, if the economy is personally affecting you (as it is millions of Americans right now), you can still have fun with your family, dance around the room, watch a great movie, laugh, say hi to a stranger. And, if a loved one is struggling with something – illness, personal issues, anything at all- spend time with him or her, read together, reminisce, create. Remember, each moment carries perfection and imperfection – both beautiful in their own right. Our circumstances should not stop us from loving life. It is a gift, after all.
V’s Corner: A Year Of Purity?? Say What Universe??
So, I’m in yoga class this morning and during savasana (when I often have the most clarity when it comes to what’s what and really matters in life) I get this challenge from the Universe, God, my inner Spirit, whatever to change some things up. I know deep down that at times I am limiting myself, my potential, my happiness because of my own comfort or fear or whatever. But I also know that making changes (some times even small ones) could have a huge impact on life. So here’s the challenge, and my answer…..
Negative Dialogue: How is it affecting you?
A couple of years ago one of my twin daughters, who was 5 years old at the time, said to me, “Mommy, I am having a really bad day!” I looked at her and said, “You know what will happen if you say that, right?” She looked back inquisitively, yet somewhat knowingly and questioned, “I will get more of a bad day?” Quickly I answered, “Exactly!”
With an obvious desire to not let that be the outcome of her day she asked me, “Then what do I do to change it?” I told her she had to hit the mental reset button by deleting her old negative thought, replacing it with a positive one like, “I only have good days!” To help her better understand what I was trying to say, I decided to give her a visual to work with and tapped my hand to the middle of my forehead saying “delete” three times. Then I continued to tap and repeated the positive phrase, “I only have good days!”
She began walking around the house tapping on her forehead in an extremely focused manner repeating, “I only have good days”. After saying it about five times she asked me, “How many times do I have to say this?” I said, “Until you truly believe it.” She continued chanting the phrase about a dozen more times, until her twin sister came flying by on her scooter and ran over her foot. With an astonished look on her face, she looked at me, then her sister and indignantly she said, “C’mon! I only have good days!” At that moment I could not help but laugh. She looked at my very seriously and asked, “If I said I only have good days, then why did she run over my foot?” I smiled, and said, “Ahh, you were being tested; you didn’t really believe it yet. To know how deep your faith is and how strong your positive thoughts are, you will always be tested.”
We are all tested as we grow and evolve; in fact the tests are what make us continue to grow and evolve. Life always has its challenges and “bad days”, but it’s all about the perspective that you bring to the circumstance and more importantly the conviction in which you bring your beliefs that can change the outcome–almost instantly. Whenever a negative thought arises, you have the power with in that moment to “delete it” and replace it with a positive, empowering thought.
There is a famous quote by Peace Pilgrim, “If you knew how powerful your thoughts were, you would never think a negative thought”. And if you have approximately 3000 thoughts in a day, how many of yours are positive? How many would be negative?
People are often not even aware of how much negative dialogue goes on in their heads, let alone how much impact those thoughts have that they are projecting out into the world. The first step to change is always awareness. I challenge you today to become more aware of your thoughts. Are they predominately empowering or mostly disempowering? If you want authentic happiness and desire to attract positive people and circumstances into your life more consistently, you must radiate that energy in which you hope to attract. That energy is initiated by your thoughts. Learning to “hit the mental reset” button the moment a negative thoughts pop into your consciousness, instantly short-circuiting it and re-programming your thought patterns with something positive will become one of the most simple, yet powerful tools in your tool box. Even through the inevitable hardships will be presented to you in life, knowing that there is good to come of it (such as strength, wisdom, courage) allows you to evolve more easily and transform more readily because of them.
Trust me, I have had many, many moments in my life that have challenged me to the core and could have made me want to stay down for the count but it’s through those times I have learned how to get back up and how to cope more easily through the challenges and have faith that everything has a purpose in my life for my own evolution. I have learned that I control my perspective no matter the circumstances and I can focus on the good or the bad. Anytime I have thoughts that I feel are not productive enter my mind, I instantly picture hitting a “delete” button then envision a blank space.
And in that blank space I can start over by putting something there that is worthwhile. In order to live to my fullest human potential, I choose to make those thoughts ones that I know are in alignment with my goals, desires and intentions. And no matter how big those may be or how challenging they may seem to achieve or how many obstacles stand in my way—I chose to begin with the perspective that, “I only have good days!”
top photo: Flickr
5 Ways To Get Happy, Like Now.
Happiness is nothing but a state of mind. If you are not happy? Perhaps you just need to re-think that framework in your brain.
For years I have always pondered: Why they have it all? How did she get so lucky? How is it possible that everyone else found love by myself? Where is he? Why am I still struggling financially? Why am I still struggling to be happy and content with where I am at? I am so lonely, I am so sad, woe is me… Well, I’ve had to do some serious reassessing with my life and I am improving every day, one day at a time. I’d love to share a bit of my strategy with you…
1- Let go: Let go of bitterness, let go of jealously and let go of all the negative space in your heart. For if you are holding on to the negative, how can you allow sunshine into your life? Letting go will free you your soul and allow your heart to open and make space for new dreams and positive endeavors to come to life. I know many of us are looking for love, something that I find to be a not-so-successful part of my life, however I repeat this quote to myself daily: “If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; They will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.” In regards to finances: I once had another artist/friend tell me… “Candice, God must love us so much; although we are broke in the bank, we are so rich in character, how lucky are we?” I never forgot that. Thanks Shannon:)
2- Work out Daily, For Endorphins are FREE!: I have never been a fan of “happy pills” and I’m not bashing on meds here for there was a time; I have been there and done that. But did you know that moderate, daily exercise will give you the same endorphin release as any “happy pill”? I mean why not work-out for a killer, toned and slammin’ body and at the same time? I’m a huge fan of free endorphins, so get that ass into shape and do it because it makes you happy!
3- Laugh More: Hang out with that friend that cracks you up. Go watch “Coming to America”, “Napoleon Dynamite”, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, “Beverly Hills Cop” go through an old album from college or high school.. and look at the disgusting clothes we wore! Whatever you need to do.. just laugh more. Studies show that communities and social circles that get together and laugh, support and love one another on a weekly basis live longer healthier, happier lives. If you want more insight on life longevity and true, deep-rooted cultural happiness? Read this book: The Blue Zones by Dan Buettner.. will change the way you think and feel about the parallels between health and happiness.
4- Be More Mindful: Be more mindful of yourself and others. Don’t worry about the past, or what you think were “mistakes” or “failures.” They are not. They are simply life’s free lessons to shape and mold your heart, soul and beautiful mind. Live in the moment. Be there present @ work. Live to reach out to others and make a difference. Live to be free! Be thoughtful, mindful and at the end of the day, when you are by yourself: Pour a cup of tea, zone out and read a good book, lay down on your soft, comfy pillow and say… “Am I ok with who I am today? Am I fulfilling my life? What can I do to help improve my life?” Be mindful of you, your actions and live everyday in the moment.
5- Scream out: YOLO!: And do whatever the eff you want! Cause all those rappers are doin’ it.. and they look like they are having a heck of a good-ass-time! Remember the meaning behind the silly phrase: ” YOLO”: You only live once.” There is so much more behind YOLO than we can even fathom. You have one life to live! You won the lottery in life my friends! We live in a beautiful world at a beautiful (mostly) peaceful time. We are safe, happy, healthy and blessed. There’s nothing better to be happy about but living the life you’ve always dreamed of. If you don’t accomplish all of your dreams and goals in this lifetime.. then when will you?? When will you see ALL of those big dreams come to pass?? YOLO. Word up. + Get happy, like, ummm now.